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keeps telling me that I must eat. That does not accept the fact that I want to fast, like losing weight, should be perfect. He does not want me to destroy. But did not understand that I have already destroyed . And he can not help it. I have a sick mind, scarred by the disease. There are up to their ears in this abyss and not want to get out. point. Nor did he manage to change my mind. The feeling I get when I have an empty stomach, when I kill you exercise, when the damn scale marks a kilo less, do not feel at any other time. Even when I'm with him. They are two different feelings, happiness are two very opposite. And I prefer fast and lose weight, and be so happy. And I do not care more than anything, and fuck you. I want to be as light as a butterfly, I want to be as perfect as I see those adorable models on TV or in newspapers, I want to be lean, perfect.

Michela.

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back ...

birth soon ... I never wished so hard to be skinny.
quend back I thought I put on a diet for real. I say not as I usually say and then I eat a lot. enough. end. I have to take matters in hand. -----
from 46 to 40 kg. I do not know what it will take me and maybe not even matter that much. I just want to be thin. thin. disappear.
not hate me more ...

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usually do not write the DA, because usually I suck most of the time, but today I want to post my food diary, which for once are truly happy about something.

Breakfast: cappuccino without sugar (80 calories) + croissants (200 kcal)

Snack: air

Lunch: air

Snack: air

Dinner: Air

Yes, I know, the breakfast sucks -.- but forced me usually do not eat breakfast!

Throughout the day I drank a bottle of tea (130 kcal)

Total calories: 410 Calories: 500 about

And then it's a party tonight! Hoping to have fun!

I love you guys, thanks to all those who are near me!

Michela.

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do not know ...

The other day I answered the call but then I ran away ... what an idiot I am. I have not even had that moment of emptiness that makes you think you know nothing ... my flight was totally unprovoked.
I feel like a total idiot.
I also "intelligently" Ext allucunante my father in a state, such as panic attack. so now I must go to him face to face to explain what the hell I'm combining and what the heck is wrong with me.
leaving tomorrow evening. strainfluenzata are also ... I cycle and ... really, I do not know what to do. with myself I mean.
me feel like shit for losing all these years behind a university that does not give me any satisfaction. I did spend money to my father. did not have the strength to change the city right on time.
at least a bit 'before. so I'm
just 5 years.
the point is that I know what I would do. but as usual I do not have the certainty of being able mathematicity ... also because the latest data in the study svluppi me is being seriously doubt be a little 'stupid. in the sense of really not very intelligent. series can not do it, do not get there. I do not understand. this thing tearing me apart inside. I feel so insecure.
I feel like a doll even beautiful and pure idiot.
better.
and I are still here that I think vorreiiscrivermi in psychology. ... but if I can not even enter the classroom for a review of sostenre cabbage! I'm really dying inside quend I think I'm still here. I have not even given examinations last year ... I feel like a shit seems impossible because they are too stupid to finish college ... and universities ... would be able to make a turkey.
sorry for venting ... but I feel really bad.
I'd love to be super smart ... but they are not. I can not even console vebbè thinking, at least I'm a big pussy.
'm just a poor girl.

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I'm nervous. Too nervous. It makes me too nervous cry. And I be tempted to binge. So the only remedy is to leave home and stay out all day, even though I know that then and not a little quarrel with my mom. I hate this character in the heck, I get nervous too.

I want to lose weight and nothing else.

I just want to be perfect , and the rest I do not care a damn.

I want to be a butterfly, not an elephant.

I'm fat, I am disgusting and I do not even understand how to please anyone, as does Emma to be with me! What!

I would disappear every time I touch that touches me, every time I say I'm beautiful, that wants me. It should not be so, I should be happy every time he does it. But I can not, I feel like dying every time he does, I am disgusting and I can not stop me sick.

Your Michela.

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Hello! I finally managed to get their hands on the PC. I take that the boy is still in school, soon after arriving, between fb and msn do not understand anything.

To tell the truth in this period combines much, all belonging to finish the work started ... I've got no inspiration! But today I made these strawberries, a colleague asked me, wants them to use as a doorstop. And while I was there I also made two smaller ones, lying half-prepared for over a year. And you know ... strawberries are like cherries ... one leads to another.

And after this post a bit limp, I want to wish you a wonderful weekend full of sunshine and above all ... that it is needed. xoxo

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And here I am again, writing to self-pity of all these fucking problems.

With my sister there to speak on Sunday. We turn virtually word, I go to school and then I close my room, she goes to work in the morning and afternoon and evening at home, but I ignore simply.

My, ever since Sunday, still arguing. My mom told my dad that he can not come out so often in the evening, there is definitely something in that should be a bit 'at home, etc., and my dad replied saying that want to end up like her, it always ends in home and ages every day. So four days of fighting, the screams of evil .

And then some of my friends wonder why I am not able to calmly vivermi my story with Emanuele ("My He ")..! And we believe, with such a family as heck do I believe in love, thinking to find a guy who love me, and with whom to get along? But now I do not even notice it in the discussions in this family who have become the norm. And of course we have to pretend to be outside a happy family that you love. How much hypocrisy, how fucking hypocrisy! And even now there is no love in this family is going slowly as well, leaving room for ' hatred, resentment at to contempt, to' indifference. Perfect, a family falls apart, but all continue to simply turn a blind eye, believing that sooner or later maybe it will work out. But if you have not solved anything in two years or so, as I believe we can solve now? My mother even began to suspect that my father has a mistress, just think 'this family has much hope of reconciliation!

Okay, in all I thank you for the event as I have understood, as in the other post and I were close, always.

I love you guys, really.

Michela.

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sun ..

Today it's sunny, sometimes hidden, but there is!
graduated from a friend of mine. in the afternoon, go to the discussion but I have to study for the exam tomorrow ... I have a great fear. fear of not being able to go there more than anything else ... as I'm doing for months.
I feel like a coward who lacks the courage to confront.
cmq. was hoping for today so we can celebrate without thinking and instead have put off till tomorrow. sob! ok, I have a little 'more time:)
N. has an examination this morning and tomorrow ... that good .... do not really know how.
, but I still mired in a three-year review will not give me a shred of work.
Oh well, no matter.
things go better. at least in my head. in the sense that I'm trying to tiare a bit 'out the nails and commitment. in all fields: study No Friends I thought so
No does not understand my problems. then I will not simply talk. me so I have to solve them alone. so do not weigh it down.
is dark red henna going away and my hair is light brown back. as before, as smepre. usual dilemma: I'd like to try the blonde. to n. lebionde like. but on the other hand I like the neroblu as I had done a year ago!
or maybe because I want them to avoid damaging them grow ... uhmmmm that priblemi frivolous XD

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Do you know why I hate her so much? Because she has always been perfect, that lean , one good, one that never made mistakes. She has always been able to comment on my physique, she has always made my own business, and when he knew I was going with one, was amazed and did not escape even made the situation to humiliate me and tell me''But who want me take you?''I hate you because you are always allowed to make bad comments on my body, saying that 'a duffel bag', that every time I wore him something of his enlarged three sizes and I had to stop show me around with her, because he was ashamed . I hate that sister, now he sees all eyes on me, now that everyone is careful to see that I eat, she does not eat . He stopped eating, said she wanted to be fat and lose weight. And it does so with all the tranquility of the world, knowing that so no one will tell you anything, because she is perfect. I'm the wrong one with problems, which needs help from psychologists and doctors. But she's okay, but do not realize that you fast, do not realize that always checks the weight, do not realize they are doing exactly the same things I did before they started to Starmie on and checked daily. And I hate , yes, with all the hate myself for ruining his childhood and adolescence as well, mock, and always making me feel fatter, and more humiliated me, the more I ate, and ate more, more fat and I was constantly mocked by her. But how can a sister ports exasperation his younger sister, at least without feeling guilty? How can you not feel responsible, even in part, to what I did? I did get her into this vortex, she gave me the push to fall into the ravine, into the abyss of anorexia. I hate it, but not pushed me here, but to continue to constantly humiliate me, to make myself ridiculous in front of everyone, if to prove at all costs to be better than me . I hate her because she went to report to my parents that I wanted to lose weight, I had a blog, that I fast, I was anorexic. It was she who ruined my life , unsatisfied, still continues. I hate her, and although my sister, I still hate it.

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I never go out? Will I ever be able to achieve that perfection that much and then just try, to stop there? 'll Never get in a fucking 36 fucking those weighing 40 pounds and just be so happy? There will I ever? Maybe I should only hope to get out of here soon, this house is too close to me, these people are me too him. I wish I had a few more years, go away, stop eating that food that makes me refuse to ingest daily, do not always have their eyes on him, I could look in the mirror without feeling disgust, disgust, and even a little 'thinking of melancholy when I was still thin, you could hear when my bones, and a bit 'stings and I liked it a lot. Now there's just this fat that does not go away, there's this huge ass, tits that all these "love", but that literally make me sick, you have this belly that makes me ashamed every time I wear a T-shirt a bit 'too narrow or too wide a T-shirt. Will I ever get to that two years ago I did get into this vortex? I still remember that the virtual meeting with F. and his words came in bursts and I spellbound and fascinated I came into this vicious circle. She understood me, she helped me, she was everything. I knew, I knew that I wanted to reach those 40 pounds and I was all prepared. It was pressure and I was watching, and I was overdriven, and if I punivo overdriven, as She had taught me. Now all that rigor, all the willpower I had two years ago, where is? It 'been submerged and suffocated by this fat? Probably. This disgusting body led me to leave and lose everything, dance, tennis, outings with friends, going out at night to party, try the true feelings for a boy, let me go completely to him, be happy . Here's what he did all this fat. And I hate them too, my parents, who did not notice a thing never, ever glien'è not give a damn, and I have just stopped when I almost reached my goal. And I hate even the psychologist, the psychologist that she's fucking slammed the highly secret professional and went to tell my every word to my parents, then words that I did not say much, but sufficientiperché she started to say I had problems not only with food but also with myself, with my parents, boys, with the outside world. Of course, because failing spoken in one sitting at fifteen, she has raised all this, the other fourteen sessions I did not open her mouth and she has come to say all this to my. Fuck. I'll make it sooner or later, to be perfect as I will, as I say. I'll make it and I will see to all that pasta is Michael. Maybe it will take me longer than expected with you that haunts me, but I will reach the my 40 pounds and looked at me with admiration, that you now look at me with contempt.

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course

obviously binge of soy milk and cereals, dried tomatoes I mentioned earlier, in fomaggio paralvo first, rejected all stuff in the toilet ....
and threw up in my head again the words of n. referring to the soy burger "does not make you groove" while preparing them ...
the most disgusting thing ever to vomit is the cheese. that sucks. I should not even
....-.-'
eat mah ... Dunno, maybe it's better that way ...
I do a little 'pain and sadness.
contunuerei to eat and vomit with rage all day ... but why?

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usually the first step and then I write a blog post.
sorry but right now I'm really pissed off too ... No came to me. Idiot that I told him ok. he finished eating. soy burgers. I did not want to eat because I had an hour before breakfast with lots of fat and calories.
contunuava to tease me and him. "Do not make me now??"
that-he knows that I have problems with food. that shit is? when two minutes before I had asked him not to do Please tell us chlorite also jokes about the croissants in front of my roommate.
is that asshole? maybe it's just .... IDOT I do not know ... as if it were easy to eat. I would really like to see him.
that asshole ... I really hated ... I exploded in rage incontenibele when he came out of my house.
thank goodness I had to wash the kitchen and I poured out all my anger on the stove dirty ... and the thousand sun-dried tomatoes that are eaten by me nervous. also to prove to myself that I eat the shit that I think when the fuck I want. I know. big mistake ...
cmq are still very angry. of course I have mounted even more angry because I could not help but think how much I have taken the piss with the history of his profile on netlog .... mavaffanculo ..... so I'm not the idiot in office? that much is not angry. that when I buy the newspaper says, "so I'll read the insert for women" are so stupid pe tropppo rleggere the newspaper is not it? too stupid to pass the exams. too stupid to understand that sometimes cry MAVAFFANCULO YOU YOUR MEN AND YOUR BEATS idiot can be much more useful than a healthy and liberating to be rotting inside these thoughts.

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two years. Two years of this bloody ordeal . Two years of ups and downs of relapse, with fake smiles, tears cursed. Two years of dreams gone to hell, friendships lost, of quarrels and hatred. Two years of a sick mind, a mind obsessed by food, the calories by weight. Two years where my enemy number one was the balance, that balance damn that made me mad. Two years of psychologists, the problems of abandonment, a life that is no longer life. Two years. Two fucking years.

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mah ... mah ...

I am here today to try to study but in the end I get lost in the PC.
yesterday I was with No
was all very strange. ... heavy.
do not know ... are torn between the rejection and the desire to stay with him.
is as if I was afraid not to hear it for too long but then when I call or see you I do not want to be with him.
or cmq me it looks like it only sexist jokes, which only tell you stuff and charms to Seafarers anything stupid on TV.
is but the first was so different. just maybe not felt so heavy its flaws.
unfortunately what has happened has placed him in a "bad light" in my eyes. it is as if I can not remember what I like about him ... I can not say right now.
I hope they are only after-effects ... cmq feelings or fleeting.
is that I feel good about him. I saw him with that first. No with that I've known more than a year ago and I liked the way it was.
not even know what I should do to please me again as before. ... definitely avoid all those sexist jokes and those comments would help .... cmq we should think of him.
do not know ... I only hope to regain the momentum against him ...

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He is beautiful, so beautiful.

Fucking Shit, you're amazing mouse. Who knows what I've done to become so crazy.

Well I love you,

as I love these beautiful souls!

your

Michael

Ps you like it is now the blog? I needed a later more light, all that oxen darkened even pretend my life outside of here.

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damn pizza.
as usual with marinara on the rocket.
my coinqui was a bit 'down, we took the pizza.
not ever digest. are days that I'm not eating almost nothing.
what the hell I jumped into his head to eat it all. without vomiting. and now I'm regretting bitterly. I feel
explode.
weight 46 kg.
did not go to take the exam yesterday.
with No okay. he came home and took the pizza with us.
then decided to go with his friends for a drink, although it has started to rain heavily. I would have liked to be left.
but when he asked me "want to stay here with you?" I told him that if he did not want to go out on the rain could stay.
decided to go anyway. I hope
careful.
I felt I did not go with him. I am sleepy and then there was also the asshole of his friend with the others. I know I should rub ... cmq, a fortiori it rains I do not want to go by motorbike to drink in a faraway place that I do not like. Cmq
yesterday we were together. is was very nice, made me feel good.
is more than a week that we do not have physical contact than some sffuggente kiss.
also why I would have liked it stayed with me. I would like to find some 'privacy. Since I saw those things in the pc that we lost.
oh well, sorry, the uselessness of this post is disarming ...
lamntele are just about the food on the weight on myself in genral ... what a nuisance they are.

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Oh, it's a lot that I do not write here. I promised you a picture, right? Well, here it is. And, avoid negative comments, thanks. My self-esteem is already quite below zero, I do not need people who commented saying "You're ugly, you know?" Yes, I know assholes.

A big kiss to all of you who were around me. And wishes for a happy Valentine's Day, which is celebrated with him or just by themselves!

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} {Love} {

that today the air is full of love ... Good Valentine's Day xoxo.

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As always I thank you for your comments and suggestions! :)
Finally last night we talked. I and n.
seriously, calmly and sincerely. I hope. I have the
that makes no sense to stay together if cmq every two minutes you pull out this topic.
not you think you can, but yes, I told him that we put a lid on it and that we do not talk anymore. I swore that he
siimpegnarà to regain my confidence.
believe him. but of course only time will tell how it will end.
we had a nice serata.siamo went to eat a hamburger (of course I took the veg: P) then we went for a ride, a drink and I was a little 'shine. despite everything we know of no decision to stay together. and I was happy with this choice.
do not know if I do well to trust. I do not know if he is telling the truth.
I just hope that this episode cmq is something that I have left and before then settles in and rots. I really hope to be able to put a apietra above also in me. I can not forget. but I can try to believe No and trust ....
I hope everything goes well ... Saturday
good my beautiful ladies! <3

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mess


ok, you know when a person does everything to prove to be honest, transparent and you feel a little 'guilty because you can not completely let go. inpegna then so is the other you have so deeply want to trust that eventually you do.

and you feel so lucky to have someone close to rely on hides. behold, the next day you find yourself into small pieces. gasping on the ground.
come to knowledge of a case, private messages and not that make you ... chill. At first you think, it is not possible. nonpuò be for him to write to all these girls.

qulle things then! no, there must be a mistake.
but then it becomes obvious that it is not. ... I felt death. I had my heart beating at two thousand. ... I had difficulty thinking alemno for a couple of hours.
then phoned me and my voice from beyond the grave he did worry. so we met and with great effort that I had seen the hodetto ... and he felt terrible. crying.

told me that you never saw those girls. that is one thing remaining in the PC. and that's it.
believe him. what an idiot eh?
seems sincere. especially ilsuo displeasure.
I have been unexpectedly quiet. at least externally.
the evening I went to him five minutes because every time he called me crying, so I thought fossemeglio tell him that as soon as possible cmq I want to try to continue to stay together.

I think it is a bit 'calmed. mah .... do not really know what to think.
as if they knew more than the person who is in fornt. it was horrible. I Vergonte for him. but then I was shocked as they replied those girls. young.
cmq spare you the details because I am ashamed for some and for others makes me I think there's really sick.
oh well ... How much do I still see ?-.-'

cmq the other night we had dinner. soon as they left everything I threw up the soul. and yesterday I only ate two biscuits. time to upgrade the power supply.
not hungry. I closed the stomach from pain. ...

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First, I thank you for your comments! really thanks:)
N. was very sweet, reflecting the fact that I'm wrong forever.
was very understanding, also because it has never been faced with a person who wakes up at 6 am crying because Nonso what to do with her life and she gets panic ...-.-'
are an idiot. that does nothing but cry over spilled altte and not by a move to change things. I just know that
No is close to me. and this reassures me. it's just that they are so overwhelmed by my fears, insecurities and guilt that I often clouded the mind and I see nothing but my failures. I feel stupid and mediocre. and I can only blame myself if I am in this situation. ufffff.
I just want to find my way.
<3

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I started a while 'to chew and spit into the napkin in my mouth.
something I ate. too. also considering that last night I swallow a sandwich and a half in a pub.
I feel like shit too because I have not vomited. I woke up this morning
incazzata.ma not Espoli, somehow I have to vent, I hope you write me enough. No talking to
I tried to tell him everything that makes me feel bad. and he looked at the pc.
and then before you go asking me "but there's something you blend letterhead? That makes you feel bad?"
answer I struggled not to scream in my face, but I told him quietly resigned "I Palri early hours of the things that make me feel bad."
boh. I just wanted to encourage me to not give up. cmq that things will get better because I'll be able to commit and a change in my life, because I am a person leg and has a lot of confidence in my abilities.
enough to tell me I am strong and that he is cmq this for me.
short, I need and I need to be a little 'encouragement. a little 'me motivated to unamossa. but nothing.
I know I'm a bitch, I do not appreciate what I have. I do not appreciate all the love No I do not appreciate the finer things. I do not appreciate. sorry. is just an outlet. I now resume. just long enough to realize that I need to promote herself.
that faitca though. I start to scream loudly.

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I started to dress completely black.
last night not even a detail usually wearing colored (like a spring or a scarf) completamante yesterday I was dressed in black. in part thanks to my red hair ' henna I have done now for a bit' but no sign via.mi like to go black. I get the feeling that absorb my negativity! <3

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46

the other day I was weighing 46 kg. sigh of relief. I'm starving, but in 6 days I lost 3 kg. I also cycle and then also to contribute. but I assure you that when I saw 49 on blanca I felt terrible. I still feel huge .... legs ... are so swollen with fat that when I think I start to blister ...
yesterday I did not think. I went out with lamia coiqui and we kill with laughter! We also talked about serious things. it was a nice evening. :)
now I have to put myself to study. and then go shopping for dinner tonight. is a bit 'of people ...-.-'
I feel full of contradictions. I try to be vegan but I can not quite ... the ever SOEs staff is vegan if you eat the pizza without cheese I'll take it, but if you are at someone's house I do not feel to say no. I come to have your cake nonnna not eat it. is that I did not want to argue with everyone on the food. are vegetarian because of this people I rmpe the balls until his death. I should be stronger and to be convinced vegan hundred percent. are not, and I hate myself for it. such as Fort abbastanz not to fast a whole day.
to study at least 5 hours straight like other college students ... I am not happy with myself. and are too prig to change. I hate myself for it.

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the end I took a little over a sea with 'rocket was strategic good! ^ _ ^ I'm glad!
today my roommate I was "scolded" because according to them and I No spend too much time together.
is true that we are often together. but only in the evening. in the sense that we see every night. not spend all day together ... ok, I do not know if I'm trying to justify myself because deep down I think so too ... it's just that we're fine. we have fun. I missed a lot the past few days, when sonostata on. cmq my coinqui I just stuck out to us tonight. I'm happy ... boh however, we are so different and I do not know ... I'm always afraid of getting bored. she is super feshon, she likes to go dancing ... but I am a bit 'more ... yum say quiet ... not to mention boring. sometimes I feel really lapersona be less attractive on the face of the earth. . cmq, incstrato me now:) tonight we go to infinity and beyond! ahahahaha!

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Restlessness ...} {

... I am worried it will be spring? Will that work will soon be mixed with a good staff? Who knows? They are restless and you see how many changes I made to the blog header ... To all those who pass to see me, sorry if you get confused ideas e. .. sopportatemi! Joke ... it's just that I'm a bit Mattarella!

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back yesterday!


I came back last night, I read most of your last post but I could not to comment, sorry-.- '
not know is that I seem to have nothing sensible to say ... I feel a bit 'empty right now ...
it "positive" is that when I get back from my dad and my sister, I naturally do not eat. these days are gone before one meal a day ... salad. apart from the second to last night when my sister bought some pastries and nonpotevo say no.
not really know how I did. Now I'm back and I want continuous at so. I will not mess it up after 5 days of semidigiuno! but of course this morning at the breakfast bar with n. because there was the man of the boiler which monopolized the kitchen .... so ... I succumbed to full brioche with honey ...-.-'''
Oh well, 1 go to the gym so I avoid even the lunch ... I do not know ... every time I get home Dimio father is like going back in time ... I can not eat .. I shoot something that I can not define. I just know that I did not want to eat.
then there was nache put that bitch to my sister, who has now invented the paranoia about his power just because he saw that I avoided eating ... must always iimitarmi. was the smallest I'd understand but 5 years older than me! Oh well, never mind. made me angry for altrimotivi. always thought to be the smartest in the world ... but ... I notice when I take the piss. are not stupid ... cmq ...
sorry for the outburst mega boring that I written.
tonight No I said if you take a pizza ... uff ... I should be happy but I can not can not help but think that will ruin everything ... if opt for a seafood .. removing the garlic.
oh my God I feel my stomach is rebelling at the brioche ... I feel sick.